Letters from my lover

Bonjour...‏

From:	xxxxxxxx
Sent:	Sun 8/15/10 5:49 AM
To:	michaelf01@myemail.com

Hello Michael,

Hope you are having a great weekend.

For whatever reasons certains things I just can't say on the phone; I would say it better face to face or the next best way is writing them to you. I just want you to know that I miss you holding me in your arms; from all the things I could miss; I have been feeling super lonely and I am working hard to mask all this emptiness.

I just do not understand how and why I should live alone while I could be in your loving company at the end of the day. Then I start thinking about the children, mine mostly cause they have to go where I go. Then yours and I wonder how painful they will feel about their father being with another woman and other children. Then you are still married, but the most painful part is that although you have removed yourself from your family for so many years, you will not dare taking me to Church because our relation is not right for you in front of God. I wish you had given me a bogus excuse, but I appreciate your honesty. But then, why did you let me get so wrapped up over you? If you cannot make things right; if you see us as unclean in front of God; why did you allow us to be so much involved with each other?

I am a mess not because you are still married but because I found in you all the love and attention I have been missing. There is a certain way of treating someone you have affection for, there is a certain way to make love to someone you care for, and please note I said to ''make love'' and not to ''F...k'' cause people that care and respect each other make love. The only reason I did my best to put some brakes on is because you treated me like only my husband did and please no offense here. No one, none, has treated me like that, no one but him knew that I am ''hot'' at bed time and in the early hours of the morning, no one else knew how I like to be intimate, all this energy, little rough here and there; it was ours, behind closed doors. I DID NOT expect my body to react to you the way it did. I did not expect me to calm down and give you space despite the fact that I was hot and wet most of the times.

I was trying to tell you on the phone, dont mix the two feeling: lust and love. Yes the animal in me wants to be unleashed; However, because there is a sense of establishing mutual respect while getting to know each other I became more fond of you, hence more aroused every time you did these little things that showed how good of a gentleman you are, making the sex thing kinda the one thing that only me can give you to reward your good behavior. That is why I said, you can F... me, if you want, cause in my book sex is a privileged act between two people that love and respect each other. It is not a tool to punish but it draws you closer to the point that you just know when to and not to, beside there are lots of other things you can do as a couple to build an intimate relation and appreciate each other. Based on this, I did not appreciate you telling me that I need them young dude to burn off my energy. FYI so far, no one has taken the time to connect with me like you did. Spending time with you made me realize just that! I realized that I enjoyed being with one partner that loved me, appreciated me, and that had let me be me as much as I had let him be himself. 

Why am I saying all this? Because your life is yours, live it the way you want, however, you are affecting other people that also want a quality of life, some dignity and some respect. I apologize for calling you a jerk and for making you wanna pull your real gun on me and for making you yell at me to get out and leave you alone. I am sorry cause it was that night that your brother heard us yelling at each other and he just had to get out and get some air. He actually made me listen to the message you left on his phone about you being locked out. I am really sorry that I caused so much emotional disturbance. I know that I am just a ''young lady'' and that I do not know the ''real you'' whatever that means.

All I had asked for was a chance for some closure with you. Now I know what is and what will never be. I am hurt, disturbed, and in pain because it had to be through you that I had to finally find what it was that I was missing, why it never clicked with these other guys, and what it was that I have been looking for in a man. They say when you find it you will know. Now, I found it ... I know... but, we cant even be in Church together, I cannot live in sin either... we cant even be in the same town, I gave up so much to make the trip to Indiana just to find out difficult truth; I was still willing to compremise on some issues, but honestly what is the point if the other party is blinded by the way their own life must be? Where do I fit? How do I even begin to snap out of this one?

Well, that is what's on my mind ... ''Lord, please...''

• Good morning‏

7/21/10

Bonjour,

To michaelf01@

Bonjour,

Hope you had a good night sleep. I am up in the middle of the night cause I did sleep right away last night.

Regarding your homework for me, the equally satisfying actions as an equivalent to things you do not do : my best answer is that if you enjoy something isn't it natural that you will want your partner to experiment it with you? In other words, as far as foreplay is concerned, I lay myself down at your mercy and give you my ok for you to do unto me whatever you would enjoy be done unto yourself.

As far as your shortcomings are concerned, I can only come up with one: you do not foreplay. Yes you touch and caress, but you always stop in the middle of a good thing. There is touching and caressing as part of bonding/cuddling, which you are great at; but it is the touch me here, whisper that, breathe down my neck, and kiss me there as part of building up that sexual tension that you need to focus on and not jump steps into intercourse at the first sign of arousal.

Me, I love to play and I enjoy being played with... look and touch my body from head to toe, front and back, in and out, just explore and build up that tension, even when inside of me, look at me, look into my eyes, touch my face, kiss my face (doesnt have to be tongue kissing), my breast, my legs, go vampire style on my neck...we get to know each other and feed on each others response...synchronize...that is what I mean by foreplay and that is what I like better than sex itself. Sex is the cherry on top.

You do a lot of the things above already but you kind of tease me here and there, maybe that is your style, still my ''cherry on top'' was like no other leaving me drooling for more dessert.

Hope you got your answer.

Have a great day,

Au revoir.

• Bonjour‏

7/19/10

To michaelf01@

Hi Michael,

Sorry I was kind of rough with you on the phone and lately we are just playing phone tag.

I needed to cool off a little before calling you again. I feel like I have been away from you for  months. Not sure how to say this any other way, but I am missing you deeply, on top of it, I feel sexually deprived and fustrated. I spend most of my time re-living my vacation wishing I could have done this and that ... and just blow your mind off all together (yep, I didnt blow your mind off yet, in fact I had to restrain, refrein, break, stop, exercise some control...whatever). 

I have been puzzled about the affect you have on me and my conclusion is that when it comes to intimacy, you handle me with so much care and tenderness like a ''gentleman'' treats his lady.

That is what I have been missing the most. Too bad you come with a set of rules that I was not made aware of and yes I will keep saying it until I find a better way to deal with it other than me bitching about it!-pardon my French- Cause like even now, I close my eyes and picture me and you ...hmm hmm sweet, then oh wait, stop brain...stop... Michael doesnt do that, ok what about this hmm hmm good but, nope he doesnt do that either...any ways, I just miss you a lot.

Take care.

• Je penses à toi...‏

7/04/10

To michaelf01@

Trés Cher,

Je penses à toi et tu me manques beaucoup...meaning My Dear, I am thinking about you and I do miss you a lot.

For sure one of these days we will talk about the last couple weeks. I am not trying to forget about you, but at the same time, I don't know how to deal with what I am feeling.

If you want to pray for me, pray that I get a great job. I got lots of pending jobs due to low patient census or remodeling projects slowed down by the economy, either ways, great jobs are on hold somewhere. I need the Lord to have mercy on me and my kids, we have been through too much to be hitting rock bottom at this stage, pray that the Lord makes a way, to lead me toward a great company, stable work; DO NOT waste time praying for a boyfriend for me. I need a partner in life, not just a `` boyfriend``! In addition, pray that I remain cool, calm, collected, tender, gentle, all these attributes that I have lost along the way because I felt weak and embarrassed displaying them. 

Finally, thank you for letting me be myself. You have no idea how much peace got restored in me; it was not just the intimate moments but to be held with so much tenderness and to be included in your routine... I knew I will have a hard time getting back, I just didnt imagine it to be so hard. I remember singing Back to life, back to reality. Some how God was preparing me to face the reality on my side. Getting back to plans that did not go as scheduled while I was gone, not cool at all! Well, I have faith that this too shall pass!

Take care.

Bye.

Running a way from a secret lover???

Running a way from a secret lover. I have not quite understood what make some people go crazy over me. I have had couple of instances where I missed out on some broads. I will admit those few misses makes you real, it makes you feel human. I will say that I am not a man who chases after women. But when opportunity presents itself and the lady passes my check list --- I move with the speed of a jaguar.

Now back to my secret lover, she lives in California, and I lived at the time of our intimacy in Fort Wayne, IN. For me, it makes me feel safe to have her far away. I knew I could not just bump into her. I made sure "that" for getting together for moments of pleasurable embrace; it will not be accidental, and when we did meet it was planned and it gave way to truly unending stream of raw pleasure.

Being with her had some values --- it made me see what it would be like to be with another woman and it helped me to re-assure my self in the power of sexual intimacy to heal all known ailments, howbeit psychological ailments. I shied away from kissing her, more so because that was something you did with the wifey and not with a woman who for all practical purposes gave herself to me.

One thing that I felt was how soft her lips were when they pressed against mine in moment of close embrace, I felt her heart beating fast, almost like it was crying for me to take her, right there and then --- I pulled my self back a little in an effort to re assert that I am in control of my world. ..tbc.

I missed not having a Church to go to on Wednesdays --- Just like last week, I could not find the Church I was looking for. In moments like I now find myself it pays to stay closer to God. One wrong step can make things worse for. Yes, I am lonely for the embrace of a beautiful woman, in fact I am long due for a tender loving moment with a decent lady. I am a very picky person, so I have spent more time eliminating the options that present themselves to me than settling or accepting any of them. Maybe next week Wednesday will offer me more success at finding a mid week Church. Yes --- I have a Church that I attend on Sundays.

The date was 8/3/2011 --- it was yesterday and it was a Saturday. I had stopped by at 3XX Lakefield Drive, Murphy, Texas. I had bought this house about eleven years earlier. It was brand new and custom built by one of the better builders in the Texas. But now I had been ordered to vacate my own house for the woman who in fact has filed for a divorce against me. Like I said, it was no wahala like they say back in Nigeria. While I concede that in a divorce situation, the law is grossly stacked against the male species, particularly the black male, I had not one problem with letting the wife take over the house, I reckoned, my children will live there too. This was enough consolation for me.

The visit to the house yesterday was to accomplish two things:

1. To see my children for maybe thirty minutes before I head towards Houston for my High School re-union which was holding on that day.
2. To drop a check for $1500 which were made out in two checks 

• a Citibank Check for $500 
• a Chase Check for $1000, the two Checks make for the court ordered child support payment imposed upon me in court arrangement for three children pending the final decree in December. 

Paying $1500 in child support is no big deal to me, even though this amount is my entire first net paycheck of my first payment of the month. The second payment in the month is used to pay for my other bills, my rent and my car payment and other utility bills. The child support is a huge sacrifice for me, I just pray that my children know that their father put their well being first ahead of his own comfort.

As to the planned trip to Houston, it did not happen, I decided against it, I was not able to truly justify driving 4 hours to and 4 hours back from Houston just for a re-union party, I guess there was no one there I badly needed to re-connect with, perhaps next year I will be at the re-union, God knows where the next one will be at.